The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
