She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
