Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
