Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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