if you like me you must not know who I am
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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