I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
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