he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I want a musical about memes.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
