He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
