i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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