Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
