I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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