Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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