so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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