I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
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She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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