How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
