Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
