I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
if only i could text you this smell
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
