ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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