You're completely useless in the revolution.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat