Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
