How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
