Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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