Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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