I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i barfeds in our rink
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
