last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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