dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
