So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
