Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
