why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
