Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
