My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
