It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
