the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
