I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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