he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
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i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
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