I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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