she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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