i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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