i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
