Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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