if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
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