if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
