There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
