I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
