Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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