Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
