Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
