What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
