So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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