Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
