i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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