i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
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Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
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Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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