Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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