remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Randomize
